Take me with you!

UGH! I feel so trapped lately. School is about to start again and I have a lot of people that I actually CARE about in my life that are leaving to go to college. It really does suck. Not for the fact that I'm going to die without them, not the fact that they're leaving for a time, it's the fact that I feel left behind!

I mean, do you really think that I want to stay here and do 3 more years of High School? Um, no! I would much rather be going off to college and starting a new life. New friends, new school, new outlook ... it sounds perfect to me!

I feel like High School doesn't have much to offer me. I know that you learn a lot of valuable lessons and you build great relationships with people, but I feel like I'm done. I'm ahead of everybody and I just want to get out. I want to start a job and do something that I love. I want to be successful and, plainly, get out of here.

This is all not to say that I don't love the people that surround me. I know that when I graduate that I will be crying my eyes out at the thought of possibly never seeing some people again. But, I know that that time must come, and I want it NOW. I have no idea why I suddenly feel thisw way, I just want something different.

I mean, the new school year is about to start, and the only thing I hear is "Oh my gosh, Sophomore year is so hard!" ... "You're going to die!" ... "WHAT?! You're taking Pre-Ap classes??!! Good luck .." I just don't get it! I don't want to be here and go to school with the same people that get on my nerves, have lessons that are going to "kill" me, and stress out this year!

And, of course, there is the fact that I just want to be on me own. I'm tired of letting people run my life for me. I want to make my own decisions, mistakes, and successes. And, if you were living my life, you might understand why. It's just that, I'm 15 and already have so much responsibilty. I want that responsibility but it makes me feel like I can do things earlier. I mean, I know what it's like to have a job, to do well in school, to resist most temptation, and to handle my emotions so much more than the majority.

People always tell me that I act wise beyond my years, and I feel like I do. I feel like I could handle myself on my own. I also know that I can't. It's just that longing feeling to want to be out there and experiencing life in a different light.

And all this just to say .. I'm restless and I want to be someone. But, there's still 3 years ... blah, blah, blah...

A much needed Sigh ...

This might seem wierd to some people, because if you don't get it, you don't get it. But it really doesn't matter to me if you do get it. This one's for me. And I feel like I need to do it. I'm just going to write to God because I feel like I should.

Jesus,

Life has been going like crazy lately! I can't believe that I'm already a sophmore and hanging around all of these 4-year olds for VBS has shown me how innocent your heart is when you are so young. If only it could stay like that ... I do realize that these past few months I have been slowly hardening my heart and moving further into the world, and further away from You. I remember when I was younger and the dirtiest and most worldly thing I thought of was trying to steal a cookie without my mom noticing. Where has it gone?

I feel like Im having a melt-down internally because it kills me that this world influences each of us so much. The way that we look, dress, talk, etc. is so important now. I think it would be so much better if we all lived and had the outlook of a 4-year old.

I know that it is my fault for letting the things and people around me, influence me the way that they have. And, I find myself acting like the High Schooler that I told myself I would never be. Not to say that I have sent all my standards and expectations down the toilet, it's just that I'm slowly starting to pull away from the things that I used to love. It seems like I constantly need to be with people older than me because I get so mad at peoples immaturity. But, I know that God has made me to be a leader and to be more mature than the people around me ... I just pray for patience.

I do think that people have the wrong idea of me. I think they believe that I am constantly a good kid. And I really try to be... But I think that I battle internally with mysellf, than anywhere else. I really don't enjoy conflict, so I bottle it up and just find the wrong with me. It's usually a good thing. But, I feel a lot of pressure to hold up to the standard that people think that I am. There are kids at school that tell me I'm perfect no matter how many times I deny it, and it puts a lot of pressure on me to set an example for what seems like a whole school, because no one else will do it!

It's like I am the only one that will lead the right life, and show people how much fun it can be. I sometimes just want to give up ... But there's the good part. Jesus, no matter how many times I try to stop you are always there to pull me back. I know that I will never be able to leave your sight or your grip on me. I constantly feel you opening my eyes to new things and building me to be the person you want me to be.

And that's why I never give up. Why I decide to take the hard route. Why no matter how hard it gets, there is no turning back. I am uplifted, gifted, strengthened, and loved in You. And I will never be the same ...

Times are tough ...Literally

OK, so this past week has bee one of the worst of my life. Sarah (the birth mother) decided, for whatever reason, that she wants to keep the babies. This was truly devastating news to my family. I mean, I don't know how much more prepared we could have been for this ... and now it' s just ripped out of our lives with no compassion or sorrow in it. I just want to take this time to write what I'm feeling about this because I haven't fully been able to explain myself ...

My first reaction: FURIOUS. I don't think that I have ever been that mad in my life. My parents were just sitting there, with the tv on mute right after they told me, and I just started to yell. I was crying and saying, "How can she do this to us? To our family? That is ruthless, heartless, and she needs to realize what she's doing!" I swear, I wanted to go find Sarah and tell her how much she had hurt us. But then the sadness came in ...

After my rage was over, I started getting to the actual mourning part. I was so sad, really. I felt like these girls were already my sisters. I had picked out the clothes they were going to come home from the hospital in, the diaper bag was packed, and their room was ready and organized. I don't think we could have been more prepared. I had already started to think of all of the things I was going to do with them; the advice I was going to share, but just like that, it was ripped away from me.

It's just so hard to imagine that all of this time, emotion, and effort to get these girls and help them to live a great and happy life, is all for nothing. We're going to have to paint over all of the stuff we just painted in the room, take back all the clothes, and try to explain to everybody what's going on. I still don't want to completely say it's over yet ... Even though they're due today.

I was so ready to be a sister, I've always wanted to be one. We all thought that this is what God's plan was ... It just worked out so perfectly. But I guess God has other great things in store for us .. I don't know what they are, but I know that He is overseeing it all.

So now I'm just trying to move on with life. We have a great family as it is. Our lives are happy and full, and they always will be. I want to be strong for my mom, to help her get over this faster. It's so hard for me to see all of my family grieving over this. But, life will move on and I know it'll be fine. We just have to adjust to all of these changes and I know there are many people in our lives that help us do just that, I've truly seen the people that care about our family the most, and it's remarkable.

"There are some things you rely on in this world, like a sure belt. And when those things change, move from where you've carefully placed them, it shakes your faith, right where you stand"

-Someone Like You, Sarah Dessen

It's one thing that's going to change everything.

Okay, so did I mention, WE'RE ADOPTING TWINS! It's huge! So let me tell you my feelings on this, because, to tell you the truth, I haven't had that much time to fully understand these changes ...


So my mom hears about adopting twin girls, lots of heartache and happiness later, it's pretty much final. All of this happened in, no joke, two months. TWO MONTHS to go from only child, to two sisters. It's so hard for me to grasp ... still. When I think about the next year, that's just not something that pops into my head, I think of friends, trips, my birthday, my permit, all those things! Not changing diapers, babysitting, waking up in the middle of the night. It hasn't all hit me, but when it does, I have a feeling it's gonna hit hard.

What I have been thinking about, is my life. Like a selfish human, I've been thinking about how all of this is going to affect me. No more waking up late on Saturdays, or spending the night with a friend anytime I want to, or trips, nothing that requires any substantial amount of money. Let me just say, that's going to be hard for me.

I've also been thinking about something a little deeper ... What kind of a sister am I going to be? I mean, I don't have any "practice". I've never had a sister or been a sister. I don't know what to say or do. I feel way out of my element and frankly, it scares me. I know that I am going to love these girls, but before they can ever really understand me or capture what I'm saying to them, I'll be starting my own family. I mean, I'm moving out when they're four! What kind of huge impact on their life can I possibly have if I don't live with them? I want them to be able to come to me with their problems, confide in me, run to me when mom just isn't right. I want to be there, I just don't know how.

I have so much that has been added in my life in the past couple of months, I have barely just figured out how to handle it all. Now, here pops in two babies, and I honestly don't know what to think. I don't know whether to be excited, to be anxious, to want to prepare, I DON'T KNOW. Everyone who sees me now asks me, "How are you feeling about the babies?" and I just want to tell them "I don't know how I'm feeling about them, why don't you tell me how to feel because I'm so lost."

A few other things are ... Where am I going to run now when I need help or advice or just someone. I always go to my mom about stuff but I know she's going to be so busy with two babies and then when she's not, she's going to be sleeping because she's so tired from it all. My dad too, he's going to be working, then coming home with three kids. It's going to be hard. So who's going to look at my report card and say "good job" to all A's and B's? Who's going to come to my football games when it's their bedtime? Who's going to take me to church every wednesday? There's so many more questions. Who am I just going to have to talk to?

And then, I don't want people to talk to me about the babies all the time. I know that I'm going to love talking about them for a while, but hey, does anyone want to know about what's going on with me? I don't want to walk into a room and everyone herds around me to just say "how are the babies?" then when I tell them, they leave because that's all they wanted to know. I want people to not ask about them everytime I'm with them - to just care and want to know about me and my life.

I haven't really shared my feelings about the whole thing because I'm not too sure of them myself. I know that they are truly a blessing and that my whole family will envelope them with love, but how is this going to change my life? I honestly can't answer.

It's already starting to take a frustrating toll on my life. My mother talks about them day and night. She never stops. She even sleeps with one of their blankets to get "connected with them" (my dad and I think she's crazy). But, I would let her go on and on, if she didn't do it when people are talking about me. My grandma came over and commented twice on something about my life, but my mom immediately changed it to the babies. "Your hair is so cute, Amelia." "OH! Mom, come look at the nursery!" and off they went. I have a feeling that's how it's going to be for a while.

So, on a last note, I am excited for these babies. I just realize the reality of it, and it scares me. Pretty much all of it scares me ...

Rockin' to what?!

Ok, so I'm just sitting here listening to the current "cool" music ... I just wonder where it's all gone! The most popular radio stations just play the same new songs over and over until you practically hate them after a week! The cool artists now ... Beyonce, Jesse McCartney, Brittany Spears, etc. just aren't that great. What ever happened to Bon Jovi, Heart, The Carpenters, Beach Boys, etc. etc. etc.?! That was real music.

All people really care about is something you can dance to, but I like the meaning behind the words; the struggle that the artist went through, and overcame, to eventually write the song. I don't like the "techno" feeling of most songs, I like the songs you can relate to, the one's that even if you don't like the song, you still can't turn it off.

I love the old rock tunes, the head-banging songs that the whole crowd gets into. I really loooooooooooovvveeeeee music, REALLY. But, it seems like all of the current music just doesn't float my boat.

It also seems like for the music to be cool, there has to be quite a bit of inappropriate stuff in there. It seems like every song that's on has AT LEAST one cuss word, or sexual reference, if that's just not the whole entire song!

All of this is not to say that I don't like most music, most times, the first time I hear a song, I usually think it's pretty good. I personally just think I should have been a teenager in the '80s because I would have rocked it out! I definately have the hair that could have made me the coolest girl in school; not to mention, I'd probably be at a concert every weekend!

Oh, the joy of being so technologically advanced is so great ... NOT. :)

It's such a divine opportunity ...

So I've been thinking a lot about mission trip lately ... I'm going on a mission trip to Argentina in March, and to tell you the truth, I'm so excited for what God is going to do in my life while I'm there! It's a lot of money and a lot of time to devote, but I know that it will be SOOOOOO worth it. I found out about this trip through my church and I knew I wanted to go from the very beginning. And, I know that God wanted me to go too. The trip was supposed to be last year and only for high schoolers. Well, then, I was in eighth grade, so I wouldn't have been able to go. But, hey! Guess what? It was moved to this spring break of my freshman year! I'm so excited but there is definately a lot of preparing I want to do before this trip. And I'm pretty anxious about a couple of things ...



Number one, I have never been this far out of the country before. I've gotten the chance to go to Mexico and Canada, but that's as far as I've ventured. So, for me to go to the farthest country in South America without my parents will definately be kinda hard. Flying is fine, not scared of that at all. Going to a country that I've never been to that's really far from home, now that makes me a little nervous ...

Number two, I know this sounds very adolescent of me, but food is an issue here! I am one of the pickiest eaters you'll ever met and so going to a foreign country and eating their food, probably won't go over too well. My idea, I'm just going to pack an little bag of my own snacks. When I'm writing this right now I feel selfish and high-maintenance but my stomach most likely won't adjust well there!

And number three, I have to admit, I like my parents a little (note the sarcasm) and I know they're going to be worried about me while I'm gone. I know they'll be fine but I don't want them to worry that I'm not being safe or whatever. My mom's already given me the "Don't go anywhere alone" lecture and "Don't drink the water unless it's bottled!" speech.

But I know that God will take care of all those things! I'm just so excited to have the oppurtunity to do something like this! This is a huge oppurtunity for a little high schooler from Crowley, to get to go to Argentina to minister to people that need to here what I have to say! It's so exciting to think that God has set this up that I would be able to go, because I have a purpose in going. I know that I really need to prepare my heart for it, because this is a huge deal and I want to remember this as a great experience and that I was prepared for and that I grew closer to God than I ever had before. I can't wait! :)

There's still so much time!

BOYS! Holy cow, that's all I've been hearing about lately! Let me start out with my views on boyfriends and what not. . . Well, I feel like there's still ten years before you could even start worrying about guys and who your going to meet, who your going to marry, who's perfect, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I don't believe that you LOVE a guy after two months. I think abstinence is key to a happy relationship(until you get married of course) and I think that there truly is someone that God has made just for you in this world. . .



Going to a public school is hard enough as it is, not to mention the fact that your only "cool" if you have a boyfriend. Girls change guys like they change clothes! And when they first start "going out"that night, they exchange "I love you's" and "I can't live without you's". It's just ridiculous. Honestly. There's people making out in the hall way, holding hands right in front of principals, etc. etc. etc! I've been asked so many times who my boyfriend is, and when I say no one, it's the hugest deal! They say, "WHAT?! You don't have a boyfriend? Why?" Well, what can I say to that? There's just no one that has truly caught my eye.



But I have to say, that sometimes I do get jealous of the girls that seem to have found the dream guy. Like my best friend. She has never had a boyfriend before now, but her first one, is THE ONE. They are such a great couple and they really do favor eachother. Nolan knows everything about Emily and vice versa. Well, little Emily is truly in love and here I am, ecstatic for her! I was literally jumping up and down. But, I can't help but feel a little jealous. I mean, she has prayed about this oppurtunity, as have I, and well, look where she's at! She's got a promise ring, plans, etc. And here I am, just in the "Woah! He's sooooo hot!" stage. I want what she has. And like so many of the girls at my school I sometimes want a guy to make me happy like they're happy. Not to say, that I haven't had any offers, because that's the complete opposite. But, I choose to say no and wait for a guy that I actually might have a chance with. But the bad thing is, is that right after I do it, I regret waiting. Sometimes I just want to say "YES!" just to say I have a boyfriend. The thought of one, is most times so much better than actually having one.



So I guess for now the only thing I can really do is pray about it. I know that God has a great guy in store for me one day, and honestly, I can't wait for that day to come. There's someone out there that is going to be perfect for me, but it's so hard to look ahead to that, when all I can see is here and now. But I know that it's in the making, and I just look to myself and think, there's still so much time!