This might seem wierd to some people, because if you don't get it, you don't get it. But it really doesn't matter to me if you do get it. This one's for me. And I feel like I need to do it. I'm just going to write to God because I feel like I should.
Jesus,
Life has been going like crazy lately! I can't believe that I'm already a sophmore and hanging around all of these 4-year olds for VBS has shown me how innocent your heart is when you are so young. If only it could stay like that ... I do realize that these past few months I have been slowly hardening my heart and moving further into the world, and further away from You. I remember when I was younger and the dirtiest and most worldly thing I thought of was trying to steal a cookie without my mom noticing. Where has it gone?
I feel like Im having a melt-down internally because it kills me that this world influences each of us so much. The way that we look, dress, talk, etc. is so important now. I think it would be so much better if we all lived and had the outlook of a 4-year old.
I know that it is my fault for letting the things and people around me, influence me the way that they have. And, I find myself acting like the High Schooler that I told myself I would never be. Not to say that I have sent all my standards and expectations down the toilet, it's just that I'm slowly starting to pull away from the things that I used to love. It seems like I constantly need to be with people older than me because I get so mad at peoples immaturity. But, I know that God has made me to be a leader and to be more mature than the people around me ... I just pray for patience.
I do think that people have the wrong idea of me. I think they believe that I am constantly a good kid. And I really try to be... But I think that I battle internally with mysellf, than anywhere else. I really don't enjoy conflict, so I bottle it up and just find the wrong with me. It's usually a good thing. But, I feel a lot of pressure to hold up to the standard that people think that I am. There are kids at school that tell me I'm perfect no matter how many times I deny it, and it puts a lot of pressure on me to set an example for what seems like a whole school, because no one else will do it!
It's like I am the only one that will lead the right life, and show people how much fun it can be. I sometimes just want to give up ... But there's the good part. Jesus, no matter how many times I try to stop you are always there to pull me back. I know that I will never be able to leave your sight or your grip on me. I constantly feel you opening my eyes to new things and building me to be the person you want me to be.
And that's why I never give up. Why I decide to take the hard route. Why no matter how hard it gets, there is no turning back. I am uplifted, gifted, strengthened, and loved in You. And I will never be the same ...
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This is very sincere and honest, Amelia. It is difficult sometimes to keep plugging ahead even when we don't feel like it. I have and continue to experience the desire to quit every once in awhile, too. This week has been the WORST for me on wanting to quit - and I'm not just talking about book stuff here. But the difference between me and the "quitters" is not the DESIRE to quit, because I certainly feel that way just like them. The big difference is the choice NOT to quit. I cling to something - SOMEONE - bigger and greater than circumstances and emotions. Look to spiritual things first, Amelia... this is around the time when the camp high starts to die... will we go back to how we were? Will we quit on new commitments or old commitments that are still relevant today?
ReplyDeleteAnd here's something else... you have been so blessed to have been mentored by so many older people who see potential and greatness in you. You soak up a lot of what older, wiser people tell you and I love this quality about you. I feel such an intense responsibility to make sure I am consistent with you and live my life above reproach so you can take encouragement from that. But, at what point, Amelia, do you become the mentor to those younger than you? At what point, do you start using the energy and time that others have poured into you and give it to someone younger than you who needs it?
I bring this up because of some parts of this post and because of what happened at lunch. You had a perfect IN today at lunch with little Ashley and the dance team stuff. She is young and impressionable, too, and so willing to be taught and mentored and find older people she can look up to... don't neglect those opportunities. Don't miss opportunities for common ground with these younger girls. They need people like you and Emily and Sarah and others...
I find that I am a much better person when I am serving and focusing on others. My love for teens and the time and energy I give of myself to them naturally makes me a better person. When I STOP doing those things, I turn inward and become selfish, you know? When God tells us to lead and teach, it actually has a common sense reason behind it - it naturally holds us accountable to our own choices and takes the focus off ourselves. It makes sense.
I love you and think that your ability to self-reflect is what will keep you from becoming "like others". I love your line "I am uplifted, gifted, strengthened, and loved in You." Thank you, Jesus, that that is true. I need to be reminded of that sometimes, too. :)
I love you - thanks for sharing.
Dang! I think your comment was just as long as my post!
ReplyDeleteBut, thank you so much for it! I really do love to hear what you have to say. And thank you for constantly being that person in my life that I can look up to. I know that God has placed you above reproach for a reason.
And what you said about "When is the time to start teaching others?" REally hit hard. I sometimes feel like I want to be selfish and keep those lessons to myself. I don't know why. But I do know that I am meant to lead, and I will. I just need some patience.
I also feel like right now, the people that I am geared most towards are those around me. The people at school ... I feel like I can relate more to them at this time. Not to say that I am going to neglect those younger than me, you know me better than that. But, that I feel like I need to mature more myself, before I work with those younger than me.
I do realize that I missed an opportunity today with Ashley because of being sleepy and just not willing...
Thanks, Krissi
I love you!
This is really really good. You put this out there so honestly! I admire your devotion so much for writing this. I can tell how it came from your heart! This is so true and I understand how you're feeling. I wish other people could see this too.
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