UGH! I feel so trapped lately. School is about to start again and I have a lot of people that I actually CARE about in my life that are leaving to go to college. It really does suck. Not for the fact that I'm going to die without them, not the fact that they're leaving for a time, it's the fact that I feel left behind!
I mean, do you really think that I want to stay here and do 3 more years of High School? Um, no! I would much rather be going off to college and starting a new life. New friends, new school, new outlook ... it sounds perfect to me!
I feel like High School doesn't have much to offer me. I know that you learn a lot of valuable lessons and you build great relationships with people, but I feel like I'm done. I'm ahead of everybody and I just want to get out. I want to start a job and do something that I love. I want to be successful and, plainly, get out of here.
This is all not to say that I don't love the people that surround me. I know that when I graduate that I will be crying my eyes out at the thought of possibly never seeing some people again. But, I know that that time must come, and I want it NOW. I have no idea why I suddenly feel thisw way, I just want something different.
I mean, the new school year is about to start, and the only thing I hear is "Oh my gosh, Sophomore year is so hard!" ... "You're going to die!" ... "WHAT?! You're taking Pre-Ap classes??!! Good luck .." I just don't get it! I don't want to be here and go to school with the same people that get on my nerves, have lessons that are going to "kill" me, and stress out this year!
And, of course, there is the fact that I just want to be on me own. I'm tired of letting people run my life for me. I want to make my own decisions, mistakes, and successes. And, if you were living my life, you might understand why. It's just that, I'm 15 and already have so much responsibilty. I want that responsibility but it makes me feel like I can do things earlier. I mean, I know what it's like to have a job, to do well in school, to resist most temptation, and to handle my emotions so much more than the majority.
People always tell me that I act wise beyond my years, and I feel like I do. I feel like I could handle myself on my own. I also know that I can't. It's just that longing feeling to want to be out there and experiencing life in a different light.
And all this just to say .. I'm restless and I want to be someone. But, there's still 3 years ... blah, blah, blah...
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sophmore year is the best! You don't want to miss it!
ReplyDeleteFreshman year is like getting lost at the HS (okay, I know Crowley has a 9th campus so you don't have this problem so much..) and having upperclassmen call you "stupid fish" because they are gradist
and Junior year is all OMG we're almost seniors
and senior year is all OMG we're almost out of here
Sophmore year is like Wow, this isn't so bad, you aren't stressing about SAT's and applying for college, the upperclassmen don't loathe you quite as bad.
I had more fun that ever sophmore year...
It was awesome.
And don't think you are through learning all your lessons, you might be surprised...
I was... :D
good luck, I hope your sophmore year is twice as awesome as mine was!!!
I agree with Maeghan - if you're so WISE and grown-up, then have the wisdom to know that you DON'T know everything yet... ha! :) I know you're not really saying that - you're just feeling more grown-up than you actually are. I will say that I have had friends that have never been happy with where they're "at" in life - when we were in high school, they wanted to be in college, when we were in college, they yearned to be done and married. They got married and then all they wanted was kids and now they have kids and they're TIRED and it's obvious that they have just been in one VICIOUS cycle of unsatisfaction. I felt sorry for them then and I feel sorry for them now. They have completely MISSED the boat!! Life is just not always about reaching a certain place... it's about the fun journey in getting there.
ReplyDeleteDon't grow up too fast, sweet girl. Enjoy where God has placed you and make the most of every moment. How sad would it be for you to get to college and then wish you would have enjoyed your teenage years more? You can NEVER get your teenage years back - and God uses teens in a SPECIAL way. You'll never be able to reach the people your age as well as you can now. Trust me - as someone who is an adult wanting to impact teens, it's not as easy anymore as when I was one. Being an adult is HARD. I love it because it's where God has brought me - but I'd be lying if I said being young wasn't totally easier in a lot of ways.
That being said, you're going to have a GREAT school year and dance will be awesome and I can't wait to see how you open yourself up to let God move in you and through you this year. Ask Him to change your perspective and your heart. :) Love ya - happy birthday again!! Fifteen going on thirty... sheesh. :)