So my mom hears about adopting twin girls, lots of heartache and happiness later, it's pretty much final. All of this happened in, no joke, two months. TWO MONTHS to go from only child, to two sisters. It's so hard for me to grasp ... still. When I think about the next year, that's just not something that pops into my head, I think of friends, trips, my birthday, my permit, all those things! Not changing diapers, babysitting, waking up in the middle of the night. It hasn't all hit me, but when it does, I have a feeling it's gonna hit hard.
What I have been thinking about, is my life. Like a selfish human, I've been thinking about how all of this is going to affect me. No more waking up late on Saturdays, or spending the night with a friend anytime I want to, or trips, nothing that requires any substantial amount of money. Let me just say, that's going to be hard for me.
I've also been thinking about something a little deeper ... What kind of a sister am I going to be? I mean, I don't have any "practice". I've never had a sister or been a sister. I don't know what to say or do. I feel way out of my element and frankly, it scares me. I know that I am going to love these girls, but before they can ever really understand me or capture what I'm saying to them, I'll be starting my own family. I mean, I'm moving out when they're four! What kind of huge impact on their life can I possibly have if I don't live with them? I want them to be able to come to me with their problems, confide in me, run to me when mom just isn't right. I want to be there, I just don't know how.
I have so much that has been added in my life in the past couple of months, I have barely just figured out how to handle it all. Now, here pops in two babies, and I honestly don't know what to think. I don't know whether to be excited, to be anxious, to want to prepare, I DON'T KNOW. Everyone who sees me now asks me, "How are you feeling about the babies?" and I just want to tell them "I don't know how I'm feeling about them, why don't you tell me how to feel because I'm so lost."
A few other things are ... Where am I going to run now when I need help or advice or just someone. I always go to my mom about stuff but I know she's going to be so busy with two babies and then when she's not, she's going to be sleeping because she's so tired from it all. My dad too, he's going to be working, then coming home with three kids. It's going to be hard. So who's going to look at my report card and say "good job" to all A's and B's? Who's going to come to my football games when it's their bedtime? Who's going to take me to church every wednesday? There's so many more questions. Who am I just going to have to talk to?
And then, I don't want people to talk to me about the babies all the time. I know that I'm going to love talking about them for a while, but hey, does anyone want to know about what's going on with me? I don't want to walk into a room and everyone herds around me to just say "how are the babies?" then when I tell them, they leave because that's all they wanted to know. I want people to not ask about them everytime I'm with them - to just care and want to know about me and my life.
I haven't really shared my feelings about the whole thing because I'm not too sure of them myself. I know that they are truly a blessing and that my whole family will envelope them with love, but how is this going to change my life? I honestly can't answer.
It's already starting to take a frustrating toll on my life. My mother talks about them day and night. She never stops. She even sleeps with one of their blankets to get "connected with them" (my dad and I think she's crazy). But, I would let her go on and on, if she didn't do it when people are talking about me. My grandma came over and commented twice on something about my life, but my mom immediately changed it to the babies. "Your hair is so cute, Amelia." "OH! Mom, come look at the nursery!" and off they went. I have a feeling that's how it's going to be for a while.
So, on a last note, I am excited for these babies. I just realize the reality of it, and it scares me. Pretty much all of it scares me ...
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Wow.
ReplyDeleteOK, first ... I was wondering when it was going to hit. Congratulations, you're finally having your freak-out session (which could be the first of several before this adaptation is all over with). I'm glad to see it hitting now instead of once they get here because things might be crazy at first.
Now, where do I start with my pearls of wisdom ...? OK, you being a big sister -- NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT THERE. It will come more naturally than you expect. And as for the age difference and you moving away? Let me tell you, my cousins and I are TIGHT even without seeing or talking to each other every day. You know why? Because I was there in those first 4-7 years of their life! (The oldest of them is your age - 9th grade and their ages go down from there.) Those years are PRICELESS in the bonding experience. My grandma in North Carolina? Don't get to see or talk to her as much, but because she was around me in those early developmental years, I feel as if we know each other so well. She was there to help shape me in the beginning. Just like I was for my cousins. And like you will be with your sisters. That relationship will carry forward into the later years. (Now, try just getting to know kids once they are teenagers -- that's HARD WORK! Remember how resistant you were to me for at least a year or so??) You will build those bonds from the start of their life, and trust me, nothing can change it -- not distance, not age, not anything.
OK, next on my list ... your parents. You are still going to be checked on and loved just as much and more once those babies are here. You are the strongest tool in your parents toolbox in raising those kids. Why? Because they've been through it with you already! Imagine how those girls are going to feel, "Amelia didn't act like that. Amelia never gave us those problems, etc, etc." In their eyes, Amelia was perfect and they have a high standard to live up to. And it may seem like you're not as important right now, but your family is just excited. Besides (and here's the hard truth), you're a teenager who has been trying to assert your independence from your parents the last few years. Your parents (mom) have felt shoved out of your life long before you feel the way you do now. Just know that your mom is going to need some girl time and a break away from constant needy babies every so often and YOU are the one who can provide that for her.
Your place in the family is secure and, yes, your role is changing, but who you are in the family does not change. First born daughter and the pride and joy of your parents' existence!
It's funny, because toddlers usually go through these feelings when the second child is born, but they don't always know how to express it. I don't see many 2-year-olds blogging these days. So, what you are feeling is very natural and expected. BE thankful you've had 14 years of your parents all to yourself. I only had 2 before my bro was born. :)
And now, to close with you and not baby talk ... you hair IS cute! And you are going to be SO IMPRESSED with the promo video David made for SOTW -- you are the most beautiful one on there. And the way you speak is so clear and concise. The content of what you say is great ... of the ones David watched when making the video (a few from our church and other churches), he said he really thought yours was the best. You will love it.
And I don't think you're selfish for feeling the way you do. (Now, for the reasons you missed church, I might think that, but that's another thing ... LOL.)
Take a deep breath. Love you.
Thank you so much, Krissi.
ReplyDeleteI know, I needed my little freak-out. I feel better now. For a while I was just going with the flow and just hanging out, but then last night all of the feelings I've had flooded out.
I feel better about all the stuff I metioned after reading your "pearls of wisdom" ... Your great. :)
And I'm SOOOOOO excited to see that promo video! I literally ran to my spot because I was late, and I felt awkward doing it, so I expected it to look sweaty and wierd, so I'm glad to know that it wasn't!
Thank you for your encouragement and wisdom that seems to ALWAYS be there.
I did take a deep breath. Love you too :)
Wait, is this the promo video or the video testimony?
ReplyDeleteProbably a stupid question ...
It's the promo ... I haven't seen the full testimony yet. The only full testimony I've seen is Emily's and it made me cry. You girls are so precious!
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