A much needed Sigh ...

This might seem wierd to some people, because if you don't get it, you don't get it. But it really doesn't matter to me if you do get it. This one's for me. And I feel like I need to do it. I'm just going to write to God because I feel like I should.

Jesus,

Life has been going like crazy lately! I can't believe that I'm already a sophmore and hanging around all of these 4-year olds for VBS has shown me how innocent your heart is when you are so young. If only it could stay like that ... I do realize that these past few months I have been slowly hardening my heart and moving further into the world, and further away from You. I remember when I was younger and the dirtiest and most worldly thing I thought of was trying to steal a cookie without my mom noticing. Where has it gone?

I feel like Im having a melt-down internally because it kills me that this world influences each of us so much. The way that we look, dress, talk, etc. is so important now. I think it would be so much better if we all lived and had the outlook of a 4-year old.

I know that it is my fault for letting the things and people around me, influence me the way that they have. And, I find myself acting like the High Schooler that I told myself I would never be. Not to say that I have sent all my standards and expectations down the toilet, it's just that I'm slowly starting to pull away from the things that I used to love. It seems like I constantly need to be with people older than me because I get so mad at peoples immaturity. But, I know that God has made me to be a leader and to be more mature than the people around me ... I just pray for patience.

I do think that people have the wrong idea of me. I think they believe that I am constantly a good kid. And I really try to be... But I think that I battle internally with mysellf, than anywhere else. I really don't enjoy conflict, so I bottle it up and just find the wrong with me. It's usually a good thing. But, I feel a lot of pressure to hold up to the standard that people think that I am. There are kids at school that tell me I'm perfect no matter how many times I deny it, and it puts a lot of pressure on me to set an example for what seems like a whole school, because no one else will do it!

It's like I am the only one that will lead the right life, and show people how much fun it can be. I sometimes just want to give up ... But there's the good part. Jesus, no matter how many times I try to stop you are always there to pull me back. I know that I will never be able to leave your sight or your grip on me. I constantly feel you opening my eyes to new things and building me to be the person you want me to be.

And that's why I never give up. Why I decide to take the hard route. Why no matter how hard it gets, there is no turning back. I am uplifted, gifted, strengthened, and loved in You. And I will never be the same ...