Times are tough ...Literally

OK, so this past week has bee one of the worst of my life. Sarah (the birth mother) decided, for whatever reason, that she wants to keep the babies. This was truly devastating news to my family. I mean, I don't know how much more prepared we could have been for this ... and now it' s just ripped out of our lives with no compassion or sorrow in it. I just want to take this time to write what I'm feeling about this because I haven't fully been able to explain myself ...

My first reaction: FURIOUS. I don't think that I have ever been that mad in my life. My parents were just sitting there, with the tv on mute right after they told me, and I just started to yell. I was crying and saying, "How can she do this to us? To our family? That is ruthless, heartless, and she needs to realize what she's doing!" I swear, I wanted to go find Sarah and tell her how much she had hurt us. But then the sadness came in ...

After my rage was over, I started getting to the actual mourning part. I was so sad, really. I felt like these girls were already my sisters. I had picked out the clothes they were going to come home from the hospital in, the diaper bag was packed, and their room was ready and organized. I don't think we could have been more prepared. I had already started to think of all of the things I was going to do with them; the advice I was going to share, but just like that, it was ripped away from me.

It's just so hard to imagine that all of this time, emotion, and effort to get these girls and help them to live a great and happy life, is all for nothing. We're going to have to paint over all of the stuff we just painted in the room, take back all the clothes, and try to explain to everybody what's going on. I still don't want to completely say it's over yet ... Even though they're due today.

I was so ready to be a sister, I've always wanted to be one. We all thought that this is what God's plan was ... It just worked out so perfectly. But I guess God has other great things in store for us .. I don't know what they are, but I know that He is overseeing it all.

So now I'm just trying to move on with life. We have a great family as it is. Our lives are happy and full, and they always will be. I want to be strong for my mom, to help her get over this faster. It's so hard for me to see all of my family grieving over this. But, life will move on and I know it'll be fine. We just have to adjust to all of these changes and I know there are many people in our lives that help us do just that, I've truly seen the people that care about our family the most, and it's remarkable.

"There are some things you rely on in this world, like a sure belt. And when those things change, move from where you've carefully placed them, it shakes your faith, right where you stand"

-Someone Like You, Sarah Dessen